Scribblage

It’s Always All For You

First off, summer travels are now done so hopefully I can update more often.

Last night I had one of those dreams where it was so vivid that as I woke up I wondered if the events that I had just envisoned had really happened.  Mind you, I had just come back from a week at PDYM Student Leadership at Saddleback Church with the youth group and had very little rest this week.  So, I was a bit delirious to begin with, and tired enough where people at church took notice yesterday during worship.

The dream started off like this...

It was Tuesday morning, and like any Tuesday morning it starts off the same way:  Wake up, get to church through some morning traffic around 9:30am, and get some things done in the morning before meetings and errands for the week's service.  We don't have staff meetings anymore on Tuesday, and in the dream it was the same.  Sometimes we'll go out to eat as a staff, but this time around I chose to stay back and work on a few things while the rest of the staff went out for lunch.

Now a couple of weeks ago, in real life, I noticed that my key to the church only works on certain doors.  One major area that I cannot access with my key is the main sanctuary, which I usually have no business going into, but oftentimes people will ask me to open the doors for them.  No big deal.

But in my dream I had to get into the sanctuary and I couldn't.  So, upon their return I asked one of the staff members to see if I could get a key that actually works.  This is where it started to get weird.

"If it's not too much trouble, can I get the key that opens both the main sanctuary door and the fellowship hall?  I think my key is only limited to the offices."  I asked.

"Why?" the staff member responded almost too matter-of-factly.  "It's not like you are one of us?"

"One of us?" I inquired.

"Yeah, it's not like you come to church on time in the morning every day, have a 9am-5pm like everyone else.  You're not like one of us.  We keep regular hours and are here promptly at 9:30am every morning.  It's not like you work very hard.  It's  not like you are at church 24/7.  You've got it pretty easy, and because you've got it easy, why would you need a key?  Not like you'd be around to use it."

And I thought to myself, "Where is all this coming from???  Ridiculous.  Absurd."

Indignant, I replied, "Excuse me, but instead of asking where I am and how much time I spend at church, why don't you ask where I am and what am I doing when you are not around--when you leave at 5pm to go home?"

I was furious, furious to the point that I was sobbing--sobbing because there couldn't possibly be anyone at church that has spent as many hours there cleaning, working, and being in that place.  I've even spent sleepless nights there by myself, before any lights, before any security cameras.  My prime 20's had been spent mostly in this place.  How dare anyone accuse me of not working hard, not spending enough time at church?

Ridiculous.

So I got together with some of the other staff, telling them of the exchange that had just happened.  They were surprised as well, not as furious as I was, but still shocked and dismayed that someone would say such things.  Most of them were encouraging, but then one of the staff members started to point out, "Well, I know what they were saying is harsh, but let's be realistic, you do have it better than some of us here.  After all, we do give you a little slack for living so far away from church.  You can't avoid criticism like that."

"Thanks for the encouragement," I thought to myself.  "I really didn't need to hear that, in fact, you didn't need to say that at all.  I just needed you to listen, not to agree, but to listen and talk some sense into me because I right now just feel like quitting."

"It's not like my efforts are paying off.  I can't believe I've spent so many years in service.  It's like I'm dirt that gets kicked around."

I'm not telling you this to feel sorry for me.  It was just a dream.  Just keep reading.

I woke up crying, face up, tears streaming down the sides of my face.  Inwardly I'm telling myself, "It was just one of those dreams to discourage you, don't cry."  But I wasn't crying because I felt neglected or hurt because of the dream.

I started to think, "What if my best efforts just aren't good enough?  What if I have and am still wasting my time?  What good am I doing here on earth?  Is there any merit to what I am doing?  Am I making a difference?  Is any of this worth anything?"

And that's when the tears were drowned out by a solitary question that made sense of them all.

"WHO ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR?"

"For you, God.  It's all, it's always all for you."

"HAS IT?"

Dumbfounded, tears dried up, I opened my eyes.  5:48am.

This next little detail is a bit too much information, but I include it because it brings the point to what I experienced this morning much clearer.  I usually do not wear pajamas to bed (Brian Fu, you were lucky this week!).  In fact, I just wear my boxers and in this hot weather I usually don't use my covers either.

But as I woke up I found myself desperately wanting to get out of bed, to get on my knees, to pray for forgiveness in my humble state.

But instead, I pulled the covers over my head, ashamed by my nakedness, and wondered if it would be alright if I just prayed face down in my pillow.

It didn't seem right.

So I got out in my boxers, knelt beside my bed, and just started to pray to God this morning.

"Father, forgive me if any of this was for me--for my acknowledgement, for my acclaim, for my fame.  What matter is it that I should do anything for you, as sinful as I am, that you should love me and give me this to do?  What matter is it that I should make more of what I am doing when it is only you that can save?  What matter is it that I should do or accomplish anything when just as I was born naked and poor (having not) I shall come back to you at the end of this life naked and poor?"

It's so easy to say that we're living for Jesus when we are doing things for ourselves at times.  Not that anyone should go unnoticed or unacknowledged, but there is a deeper need to be known and to belong, to be acknowledged by the One who loves us unconditionally and selflessly.

I've been so hard on myself with ministry these days.  I feel like a failure at times.  There is this incessant need to do better, be better, but this morning I was reminded that it's really not up to me.  This week at PDYM, I was reminded to do the possible and allow God to take care of the impossible.  When I try to do both I try to be God.

Idolatry.

So if I am doing all things, always all for God, here are the questions I am asking myself this morning:

1)  Is what I am doing currently in my personal life, in ministry absolutely essential?

2)  If it's not essential, then why am I doing it?

3)  Is what is essential eternal???

May God bless you as you seek to be his hands and feet, not just in the church, but to BE PART OF THE BODY OF CHRIST in this world--in your schools, the marketplace, in your friendships, and amongst the crowd.