What Ever Happened to Giving Compliments?
"What a great dog," I said.
I was off my game. The woman didn't look at me. She shrugged and cracked a weary smile, rubbed the dog's head and stared straight ahead. I understood then that she heard that same thing in one form or another a dozen times a day, that she didn't [care] what I thought about her dog — great dog, cute dog, what an angel — just so long as it was exactly what she expected me to think. Same with her watch, her rings, her neckline, her nails, her hair, her shoes. Weak compliments like the one I lobbed neither surprised nor propelled her. In some way, all of this allowed her to not see me, to block me out as leering, envious, [perverted]. Whatever. I only said I liked her dog.
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I was reading this article on "The Lost Art of the Compliment." It was one person's search to find out how compliments work and when best to give them. It's an intriguing inquiry to me because I often ask myself the same question:
When and how can I compliment someone and just have it be that--a compliment.
Because, you see, when you go up to a girl and tell them that they look nice it's really easy for some people to perceive that as flirting. Or, if you're a girl and you are trying to just be nice to a guy it's very difficult to avoid having that guy misinterpret that encouragement as an opening for something more. It's difficult to even compliment a friend or a family member without having them respond with, "What do you want from me?"
I can't tell you how many times I've bumped into someone and I've noticed something's different about them. I point it out and add how nice this or that might look, and most of the time, especially if it's people my age, there's this look of "Ok, that's just great. What are you trying to say here???"
Just the other day I ran into an old friend and noticed she wore something that looked nice on her. "You look nice," I commented, as a ran off to tend to some duties. And as I was running around I worried and wondered, "I hope she doesn't think I was trying to imply something more than the fact she looked nice?" After all, she has a boyfriend, I'm single--"Oh man, what did I just do???"
Fortunately, she was cool enough and later caught me in my office and told me she had just realized what I had said to her and thanked me for the compliment. That was a close one.
But the author of the article comments that it's not so much a riddle as it is a matter of finding the right moments to give compliments rather than insisting that the moments should fit the compliment.
In my world, it's all about a mom with kids who goes out on a limb and gets a brand new hair cut. Not wanting to pay much attention to it herself, I notice it right away and when no one else was around I commented on how much it suits her and how fashionable it looks. "Why, thank you" she responds, "You're too nice!"
A guy who's always been a bit self-conscious wonders if he has any friends. Probably just being dramatic in the moment, but while away on a retreat he and I were the last to leave the dinner table.
"Hey, why don't you go ahead and join the others and I'll clean up."
"That's ok, I don't really want to be around them right now," he responds.
"Why not?"
"Just 'cuz," followed by some silence.
"Well, I think you're pretty cool. I hope they see that too."
"Thanks, I guess" as we continue on to clear the table.
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Complimenting others truly is an art and I hope to keep on practicing. Not everyone may be strong in encouragement or have that gift, but we can all practice. Care to join me?
